well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
