she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
