I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
