If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
