nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
