as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
