Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
