the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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