God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
