guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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