I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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