Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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