just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
