Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This is classic penis vs brain.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
