There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
