OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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