oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
