he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
