Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
