So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
