Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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