Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
