I'm really into asian looking animals
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
being pregnant is like rehab
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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