I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
