I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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