Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
now i know why i became what i already was.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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