my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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