Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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