What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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