They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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