how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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