He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
