You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
