There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
