Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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