Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a hot homeless man
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
