I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
