Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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