Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
