I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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