All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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