He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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