I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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