I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
