"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
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so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.