where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.