so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon