tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.