I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
