that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
