Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
