shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
