Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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