My sheets look like a crime scene.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
