i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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