u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
