3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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